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There’s a lordly swathe of meadow running up from Cherry Lake,
Well, Honourable Member, it was till recently,
But we’ve been having a hiatus, don’t you see.
In fact the Happy Meals themselves are now quite firmly “out”
And, truth to tell, most of the other “specials”, too, are a matter of doubt.

Yes Sir, I certainly sympathise with your predicament:
A number of others have been querying where the liquor went
From the coffees served after a working lunch,
Not to speak of the canapés that committee members would love to munch

Before getting down to more solid fare.
And as for the limousines…well sir, you certainly have me there:
There’s talk of having to pay for them from one’s own private purse.
The Member for Gratton South informs me that the hearse

He’d ordered for his second cousin’s funeral was summarily rejected
As a standard claimable - the tone quite uncalled-for and unexpected.
Then the Under-Secretary’s box at Lords
Was cancelled, and he found himself sitting among hordes

Of people who had brought their own sandwiches and beer,
Which he was obliged to buy at a price more dear
Than he could ever have imagined from a kind of stall
That wouldn’t accept his credit-card at all.

Yes Sir, I agree, it’s appalling and unprecedented
And the dignity of Parliament has been most profoundly dented
With scores of traditional perquisites – historical, one might say –
Being so peremptorily and shamefully snatched away.

All this penny-pinching when entertaining a friend,
The riffling through receipts for sideboards – where will it all end?
I just can’t say. I feel the time has come for me to bring
It to all to a close, make tracks for Godalming

Where I have relatives and a modest place –
No more than twenty rooms, you understand, Sir – where I can face
Retirement. Here’s my card. I’ve another hidey-hole near Cheam.
Come up one afternoon. We’ll do a round of golf – and eat ice cream

And talk of better days. Give me a ring.
Preserve that upper lip, that’s the main thing!
We’ve had a decent run. Time for fresh faces on the scene
To work out their own new system – know what I mean...?

© Colin Bailey, May 2009